Statements I Think Are Amusing, True, Or Just Useful

People I Don't Know

How can you think and hit at the same time?

Yogi Berra

A man's heart may have a secret sanctuary where only one woman may enter, but it is full of little anterooms which are seldom vacant.

Helen Rowland

Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.

Robert A. Heinlein

If you do draw on your eyeball use a pencil rather than liquid eyeliner as it hurts a lot less.

Take a Bite-The Net.Goth handbook

Keep in mind that the GM is God, but that doesn't make the players monotheists

Other 9122 (paraphrased)

...if you're ever confused about which people are you and which people aren't you, there's a simple test: look for a head. Everyone but you has a head. You have no head. Furthermore, everyone except you has a single, opaque nose; you have two fuzzy translucent noses. Which are, of course, not attached to any head, since you don't have a head.

"Dennett," by way of Andrew Plotkin

Schrodingering a plot point is fine--if, once the box is opened, the cat remains a calico.

There was a young man of Dunlaoghaire
Who pronounced an interesting theoghaire:
That the language of Erse
Has a shortage of verse
As the spelling makes poets so weoghaire.

Unknown poet, who had taken too much Irish Gaelic

It's much easier to extract a surrender from a government when you're pointing a gun at it.

Steven Patterson

I don't need smilies; I have a '.uk' in my domain name.

Roger West

So I cannot forgive. Which makes the notion of writing a character who can forgive momentarily attractive...because it allows mo to explore in great detail something of which I am utterly incapable. I cannot fly, so I would write of birds and starships and kites; I cannot play an instrument, so I would write of composers and dancers; and I cannot forgive, so I would write of priests and monks and Minbari...

J. Michael Stracznsky

Heck, _anybody_ can get a nunchaku to travel at .9c. It's getting it back up out of the neutron star's gravity well afterwards that's the tricky part.

William December Starr

That's why succubi and incubi are supposed to be cute. If they were terminally out of style and had embarrassing personal hygiene problems, they wouldn't be nearly as good at their jobs, now would they?

Ethan Skemp

There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportinately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be ommitted.

Miss Manners

If one sets aside time for a business appointment or a shopping expedition, that time is inviolable. But if one says, "I cannot come because that is my hour to be alone," one is considered rude, egotistical, or strange.

Anne Morrow Lindbeth

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat, or a prostitute.

Rebecca West

Not us. We have no role in life whatsoever. None. The only thing I want to do is sprinkle magic dust on everybody and say, "Just relax. Let us take you." I want to be a ride at a thrill park that takes you for the ride of your life, where you just can't help yourself and you're screaming with delight and at the end of the ride you get off and you go, "Wow! What a great ride."

Gene Simmons, on the social relevance of KISS

--Goodness, what lovely diamonds!
--Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie.

Hatcheck girl and Mae West

Magic is a matter of believing. Magic exists as long as you don't believe in it.

Roel van der Meulen

Well, my tent's got a huge puddle in it, but my air matress floats.

Overheard at Pennsic

Suddenly the cop's going, "I'm hungry and I don't know why."

Robin Williams

--Now I'm going to turn over and you can do horrible things to my helpless body with a fork.
--I don't have a fork.
--Then just use your hands...


Don't think of it as being outnumbered; think of it as a wide choice of targets.


--I'm hungry!
--What do you think we should do about this?
--Kill her and make soup?


--It's proof.
--Proof of what?
--The Pod People have taken over...


--Well, it failed, and you destroyed the universe. Again.
--Yes, but did I take out my sister?
--No...but you did manage to piss her off...

GM and player in the Amber RPG

People I Know, None of Whom are Famous. Yet.

He was flirting--it's the best way to communicate.

Erin Childs

Don't piss off the glowing guy.

Also Erin

Whoever is willing to sacrifice the most will win. Unless they do something utterly stupid.

Ogami Akira

It's just not the same without the oscilloscope.

Greg Tapolow

Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu.

Ryan Ingram

Forget about witches; thou shalt not suffer a *fool* to live.

Carrie Schutrick

I don't care if you want to talk to the gods in the Eat 'n Park; just WARN me first!

Also Carrie Schutrick

How can you have an illuminating conversation about head cheese?

Melissa Kaplan

Do you see a sticker that says "Wait 45 minutes and THEN assume?"

Shawn Knight

Shawn, you may not marry yourself without my permission!

Laura Valentine

I must confess that being created as an experiment by an arbitrary and capricious God who seems to delight in torturing people, destroying cities, and getting innocent virgins pregnant would have a *much* more negative effect on my self-esteem than pre-biotic soup.

Laura Valentine

I don't stick adhesives to my forehead.

Um, that guy, the one in my class. Sorry, I've forgotten your name.

"It is better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven." Yeah, like he had a lot of choice...

Chris Holly

--Playing with your balls?
--That's physical therapy to you!

Norm Papernick and Charlotte Yano

Um, did I mention Zool?


Rule #1: Don't have sex in a Reese's Cup.

Don Luby

Please don't include me in your delusional fantasies.

Lynne Powell and Ann Kopchik

Don't shoot until you see if they have eyes.

Trevor Schadt

I'll have you know my bunny was wet when I got it back!

Also Trevor Schadt

I didn't swallow anything and I'm not spitting anything out.

Katherine Smith

Shawn gave me back some of the money he owed me for bills, so I went and bought a comic book...well, I had some change left over...

Ray Strobel

The good news is that this guy's no longer much of a threat to anyone who's vertical.

Ethan Evans

I'll bet these F@#$%^s stun and bleed!

Jeff Rosenfeld

These are Imperials--they're not user-friendly.

Mark Gabriele

No. The Mellon Bank Building is NOT the new Palace of Hell!

Also Mark Gabriele

You say you see something funky about the Empire State Building. I just see the Empire State Building. But it's NOT the Empire State Building; it's really a dark, foreboding pit of festering evil.

Dave (last name pending)

Is ignorance bliss?

Anna Wilson

If I'd put in *History of the World* we probably wouldn't be here now.

Also Ben Cordes

Oh, I'll bet.

Dave Lebedda

I am not cynical...where is that pickaxe?

Norm Papernick

You have a kind and generous soul--unfortunately it doesn't match the rest of you...

Also Norm Papernick

That's because they haven't found out yet that my hair can do cold fusion.

Greg Zornetzer

People Who Don't Exist. Really, they don't. No, honestly...

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.


It's the charge of the trenchcoat brigade...

John Constantine

Wanting doesn't make it so. If it did, we'd all learn to want harder. I can already want quite vigourously, thank you very much.

Walter Slovotsky

"I dwell in darkness without you" and it WENT AWAY?


You...are finite. finite. wrong tool.


The Truth is out there.

Fox Mulder

I'm not saying what I'm saying. I'm not saying what I'm thinking. For that matter, I'm not even thinking what I'm thinking.

Captain John Sheridan

The words and I will be locked in mortal combat until one of us surrenders.


Oops--it's weird mission time.


Why couldn't I have been destined to be a great dentist or something instead?

Timothy Hunter

For ere Demetrius look'd on Hermia's eyen,
He hail'd down oaths that he was only mine;
And when this hail some heat from Hermia felt,
So he dissolved, and showr's of oaths did melt.

Helena of Athens

Hey, look: "Breach hull, all die." Even had it underlined.

Crow T. Robot

Men and women can't be friends.

Harry Burns

You're right, you're right, I know you're right...


If there's a bright center to the universe you're on the planet that it's farthest from.

Luke Skywalker

They're all dead; they just don't know it yet.

Eric Draven

Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever.


True love is the most wonderful thing in the world--except for a nice MLT, a mutton-lettuce-and-tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean--that's so perky, I love that...but that's not what he said!

Miracle Max

I could be arguing in my spare time.

John Cleese

Ray, if someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!

Winston Zedimore

OK, this chick is TOAST!

Peter Venkman

I'm NOT the Messiah!


I happen to like nice men.

Leia Organa

He'd be pushing up the daisies if you hadn't nailed him to the perch!

A Python. Can't remember which one.

--That was the movies. This is real life!
--What is the difference?

Benjy Stone and Alan Swan

Never tell me the odds!

Han Solo

I have a (very) bad feeling about this...

Luke, Leia, Han, and Threepio

Try not! Do, or do not. There is no try.


--Whatever you do, don't hit him in the balls.

--But you said anything goes!

--Anything goes, but he'll take it personal.

The announcer and a prospective cage fighter, who's about to discover that Wolverine is the Best At What He Does. The circus must be halfway to Metropolis by now.

Bruce Wayne

I mean, if I went 'round saying I was emperor just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!


You try my patience! Make your choice.

The Phantom of the Opera


I need to feel your heartbeat so close it feels like mine...

King Crimson, Heartbeat

I don't want to touch you too much, baby, cause making love to you might drive me crazy.

Def Leppard, Love Bites

You gotta loose your mind in Detroit Rock City

Kiss, Detroit Rock City

But it's never said at all on the map that Carrie reads.

Blue Oyster Cult, Astronomy

Or shal I change my love, for I find pow'r to depart, and in my reason prove I can command my heart?

John Dowland, What If I Never Speede?

And every time you speak her name, does she know how you told me you'd hold me until you died, till you died, but you're still alive.

Alanis Morisette, You Oughta Know

I wonder where you are; I wonder if you think about me...

The Moody Blues, Your Wildest Dreams

No one ever told me that love would hurt so much, and pain is so close to pleasure...

Queen, One Year Of Love

Don't need a course in self-awareness to find out who I am

Weird Al Yankovic, I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead

Don't you ever change your mind? Now your future's so defined and you act so deaf, so blind...come on, come talk to me...

Peter Gabriel, Come Talk To Me